"Maybe if I were a better person, I'd be happier."

"But my mind was in a turmoil, and the nights became more oppressive than ever."

There's something that's been eating away at me for the past couple of weeks, and I just can't seem to get it out of my head no matter what I do. I'm hoping that putting all of my thoughts and feelings here will help ease my mind.
 
People are telling me that it shouldn't bother me about what you think of me, that it shouldn't bother me about the things you do, but it does bother me.

I'm bothered by the fact that you feel whatever you do is justified; that you feel so highly about yourself being right while you look down on others. You act condescending and have this air of superiority and self-righteousness, but the truth is, I hadn't told you about the way you've been making me feel.

And so, since we're not talking, and this blog is pretty anonymous, I'll say it on here.


I had a difficult time when dealing with you. Don't give me that look, listen to me. You're a good person, you're very passionate about things, but you're also very selfish. Looking back on our last conversation and back on the conversations we had a long time ago, I always listened to what you had to say. I went with things you wanted to do, because if I didn't, you always acted so hurt and made me feel guilty about my feelings.

So I'm saying this right now;

What you did always hurt me. You say this is the most you've been hurt, and honestly you saying that makes me resent you a little. You know my past, you know what I've been through. How can you honestly say what you're doing right now is justified? September through December has been very painful for me and you know why. I was being pulled apart piece by piece as you two said whatever you wanted to say, told me what to think, how to feel, what to do, what you expected of me. My life was falling all around me and neither of you tried to help me. I was in so much pain and despair but I never once thought about telling hordes of people nor did I even attempt to do that.

I kept it all to myself. I handled it myself. Did I need someone to talk to? Maybe. But why should I tell people when it's my own goddamn business? It's called a private life for a reason.

Okay, I just want to clarify; I'm fine with you wanting to talk about your problems to friends. However, I'm not fine at all that you felt like you had to talk to people at our workplace. It isn't fair to me at all and you need to realize that. Private life and work life should never mingle, outside of holiday staff parties anyways. I work more than you do, so I see the people you've told more than you do, and you telling people at work makes them see me differently. I should be seen as the compliant and hard worker that I am, not the person in the stories that you're telling.

It's selfish of you to think it's okay in sharing these stories with people I work with and look up to.

You also need to realize that I had valid reasons why I didn't want to be in a relationship. You don't seem to understand that I was in a three year relationship beforehand. I was set in being engaged, and shortly within a year I would've been living with my significant other much less married to him, and because of the turn of events I lost it all.

Of course I'd feel lost in where I am in life, of course I'd be confused about everything that's happened and of course I would need time. Those reasons should be enough for anybody to realize that I wasn't ready. But you're too focused on what you want to realize how I feel.

There's a lot more to say but I'm not even sure where to begin with that.


--Ophelia

I'm crumbling.

Have you ever felt that certain type of loneliness where you feel as if there's no one there for you? The loneliness of not being able to talk to any one person about your worries, your problems, of what has happened to you?

You feel like you're drowning and all this pressure and sadness piles on top of you and nothing or no one can lessen the load. And the worst part is when you're left alone, with all those thoughts swirling in your head; they tear at you from the inside out. You're in a constant state of depression and worry.

'Where do I go from here?'
'What's right? What's wrong?'
'What am I supposed to do?'

I've been rereading past conversations, remembering past experiences and memories, and it makes me relive past emotions. It makes me second guess everything I've ever known about myself. I always thought I was a good person, or if anything, at least a good enough person. I thought I had my priorities straight and my morals aligned, but the past few months led me to believe differently about myself, and I start wondering if I ever was a good person.

A good person wouldn't hurt others.
A good person wouldn't make others cry.
A good person wouldn't tear relationships apart.
A good person wouldn't drive others into a spiraling depression.


A good person would make everyone happy...

and I am not a good person.

In fact, I'm the worst kind of person you could imagine.

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell.


--Ophelia

Never thought it could be that its me till I realized I'm the only common factor and played a big part.

Is It Me? Am I so complicated?
Is It Me? Or is love over-rated?
Is It Me? Cause I don't quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it.
Is It Me? Am I too independent?
Is It Me? Not ready for commitment?
Is It Me? Cause it doesn't seem to last
And it's the only question that I never asked.

The thing about always supporting the ones close to you, is that the feeling of betrayal is so much more when they have (and take) the chance to turn around and destroy you without hesitation.

There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow.

Apparently, I have a habit of coming back to this blog when my emotional integrity has been compromised.

I've been listening to sad songs recently, because I find music brings words to the emotions I can't convey. It brings my mind at ease, thinking, "oh, these lyrics sound familiar, they feel familiar."

It's hard for me to converse how I feel; most of the times, I don't know how I feel at all. It's so confusing. A reason I came up with is probably because I'm empathizing with others too much instead of focusing on what I solely want.

But what do I want?-- I'm not even sure anymore.

However, it doesn't stop others from freely voicing their opinions, their wants and needs. I feel like an elastic band, being pulled in two different directions. Stretching and stretching, trying to accommodate for both parties, but they don't know, no wait, they do know, that I'm breaking. They just don't care that I am. They don't care that I'm exhausted; mentally, emotionally, so much that it's affecting me physically.

I remember feeling love. I remember being able to be in love.

But unfortunately, I'm too drained to feel anything when it comes to love now.

Sometimes I think,   

"I wish I was just alone."

--Ophelia 

Tonight Won't Make a Difference

Okay, okay, it's been forever since my last post, I know. But you know what? So many things have happened. I'll get to catching up later. Right now I just want to get this off my chest.

I'm sensitive. I know I am.

Little things you say or little things you do might not seem like a big deal. But I'm very observant so of course I'll pick up on it. I'll think about it over and over again until it drives me crazy. I'll come up with reasons as to why things were said, why things were done; and no matter how much I try to rationalize, it always comes down to me.

'It's your fault.'
'It's because of you.'
'You're a fool.'
'Don't think so highly of yourself.'
'You're nothing special.'
'You never were.'

These thoughts find themselves racing across my mind; over and over again. Just repeating; one after the other.

To the people I care about, I want them to be happy. I want to make them happy. When they think of me, I want them to remember good things about me. I want them to be able to talk about me with only good things.

I'm-

I'm starting to feel like I can't open up anymore.
If I keep up this barrier, this facade, will it be okay?

For now, I'll just rely on this blog to let me open up. It won't be found until later on anyways.

Buon Giorngo, readers!

It is a new year, thus a new chapter in our lives and I just wanted to tell you that I have started a new blog! Oh no, I'm not abandoning this one. Because this one will always be about everyday things. The other one will be all my adventures and stories about interviews.

I think my work will speak for itself so I would be honored, or just plain happy if you took the time to read it. I'll try to update it with every interview I experience.

*Click*

19/11/2010

Okay, well... I won't be able to pull off my... err... somewhat New Year's resolution, haha.

But anyways! It's snowing everybody! You know what that means! Snowball fights, snowmen, ice skating, shoveling, igloo making and Christmas!

But before that, let me tell you. Unlike all those snow-haters out there, I really don't dislike snow.

As a matter of fact. I love snow.

In my eyes, snow is the symbol of renewal. Snow is there to build up, and as spring time comes, it melts away. Once it's melted, spring comes with a flurry of blooming flowers and chirping birds. It's the process of a new beginning. It's life telling us that this is a new chapter in our lives. A clean slate. Thus people come up with New Year's resolutions.


But anyways!

Today I helped my mom put up the Christmas tree. That was fun.
I'm actually unsure if there's sarcasm in there or not.

On a side note, I've finally applied for a bank account.
*cough*online.*cough*

And! In two days, I will apparently get an email to go to the bank with 2 pieces of identification and a cheque of $50 minimum to cash in. So yay~! I finally got that out of the way!

More to update later!... In a few days!

See ya!

--Ophelia.

1901-- I mean 2010

Hello all, how I've missed you dearly! And ha! I told you I'd blog again.

Well, for the record, Raph has learned a few more tricks up his furry sleeve. Those tricks being "Stand", "High-five", "Paw", and "Speak". Although his I.Q. has risen, he remains to be a brute that bites anything that moves.

Oh, also, news on the job search? Not going so well. I did however get an interview for Salsbury house. But that's all I ever really got. It's been two days since and I didn't get a call back. My hope is pretty much zilch right now. But I will not give up!

Other than that, I have been forcing myself to produce lines for the stories I've kept on hiatus for so long. And hopefully, instead of manually turning the gears in the creative side of my head, they'll finally start turning on their own.

Yes, unlike my last blog, this one was short. But I'll just say that it's because I held in my emotions and the last blog was just me vomiting it up.

Haha!

....

Man that's so gross.

Hello, hello, hello.

So what? It's been like, five months since I last posted?---
Don't answer that. I know it has been.


Well, all I can really say is that.... Life caught up to me at a red light.

Hmm... should I put it that way?
Would that phrase even justify the way that I feel?

Arghh, I don't even know.

....

Well now, if text could have strange, awkward pauses. I think now would've been said text.

....

Ahh, what to say? What to say?--- My family dog died. Yes, July 25th, 2010. And yes again, 3 days after my birthday. Woohoo. /Sarcasm
His name was Doogie Howser, he was a mixed breed of Terrier and something else that god only knows. He was born June 3rd, 1996. So he lived a life of 14 years. He was a smart enough dog, knew how to jump "up", "sit" down, "lay/lie" on his side or back, go "outside" and go to the "kitchen" where he often slept at night.

We cried the day he died. We cried, we mourned, we even drank. He wasn't just a dog, we didn't see him as just a dog. He was a family member. A sibling. One of us.

So, we had him cremated, put into an urn, and now he sits on top of a shelf in the border of the living room and the hallway. It's kind of perfect in a sense because he has a great view of the living room, front door and kitchen. Kind of like he's still guarding the house.

Although I'm pretty sure Doogie wasn't fond of heights.

Anyways, a week or so later my dad brought up that he wants to get a new dog. Not to replace Doogie, oh heavens no, no one can ever replace Doogie. He just wanted a guard dog so that the family would be safe.

And un ta-dah!-- We got Raph. Raph, short for Raphael. One of the four important archangels, but more so one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yep. You heard read right.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Raphael, the turtle with the red bandana. Most of the time called a hothead and a brute. Funny, sounds just like Raph.

Raph is a puppy that is currently a little bit over 2 months old. He's a mix breed of Golden Retriever, German Shepard, Labrador and Husky. So in due time I believe he'll be quite big. He is indeed a brute and likes to bite due to teething. He tends to attack legs when you're walking by and hands when you're about to pet him.

The only thing he knows right now is "fetch", "sit", "stay" (although he really doesn't like to), and "pee everywhere in the house until every square inch is drenched".

But other than that last one and the whole attacking human limbs, he's just great!

Other than that, today is September the 9th 10th, and I am doing nothing.
Absolutely nothing. I am unemployed, well, looking for a job despite the fact that I am very, very, very, very, unmotivated. Oh wait, don't get me wrong. I'm very willing to-- you know-- get a job, go to work, etc. It's just that... I'm just... unmotivated at life...?

...Is it really that? ...I'm not quite sure anymore.

I've just been waking up, doing nothing really. Just playing psp, watching over the dog, eating, sleeping and waking up again. I think I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to happen. I don't have school anymore, so I don't really have any place to go during the daytime. But I think I just have to make myself realize that nothing really is going to happen. Unless I make it happen.

So I guess tomorrow, today, I'll walk to Tim Hortons and hand in my application that I filled out-- special thanks to my awesome sister-- and maybe walk to other places and hand in resumes there as well.

Hmm... was that all I had to say?

Oh! Speaking of being a dead weight daughter, I watched Hellcats yesterday two days ago! It was everything I thought it would be and pretty much more. I will definitely be watching it every wednesday at 9 or 11 pm. Oh yeah! I also watched Nikita today yesterday! And WOW, it blew my mind! Every thursday at 11pm.


Are you still wondering what brought me back here?

Well... you do look curious. I guess I'll tell you.
My sister started writing again. She's amazing at writing and she asked me for some help on expanding ideas about her story. I have experience in writing so I helped as much as I could. She was thrilled with what I had to say. So thrilled that we came up with a sort of game where someone would come up with a theme, and the other would come up with a plot for said theme.

Her theme: Disappointment.
My plot: Two best friends. Friend A who loves Friend B, but B only regards A as a best friend and loves another. This story revolves around Friend A and the many disappointments she experiences being forced into the corner known as the friend zone. Of course, in a desperate act to fill the empty void that all those disappointments created, Friend A begins dating other people. But low and behold, the void cannot be filled, so she dates someone else... and someone else... and someone else. The story ends with her never filling that void. Very tragic.

To conclude this little story,
my sister was speechless and demanded that I write a full story on this so voilà!
I am writing again as well.

Although I have only written a paragraph, I do admit that I have been putting it off. I feel that I've lost all my writing talent from lack of writing-- if I even had any talent for writing at all.

But I had hoped that, if I came back to blogspot and wrote an update, it'd help ease me back into writing again. So...

Here's to finishing this blog update. Hopefully, I'll stick to it this time.


--Ophelia.

So here I am--

-- in the library during my 2nd period of school. I was chatting with Cleverbot and oh my god he is schooling me. Well, that was yesterday's conversation anyway. Today it's more laid back.

For the class I'm researching on Jim Jones and his occult. It's very boring. Like... Very boring. But everyone else picked good topics for Mass Hysteria. I was about to pick Y2K but upon researching it I had a lot of unanswered questions. So that boat has already left and someone took my ticket.

...Yup, I'm stuck with James Warren "Jim" Jones. *sigh* So boring.

formspring.me

Ask me anything. I dare you. http://formspring.me/Tingela

Confessions of the Heart

Good morning, good evening, goodnight.

I don't know when you'll read this, but when we spent time with each other today I felt so lucky to be your girlfriend. You made me feel so loved and happy. Even when I had doubts that I didn't say out loud, you quelled them with promises of our future together. I haven't ever felt this feeling with anybody else and frankly, I don't think I want to have this feeling for anyone else except you. I know that we've had a lot more fights than we needed, and at some points in our relationship we were almost at the verge of breaking up. But just to let you know, being in your arms with you holding me so tight never fails to calm me down.

You may say that you're not good enough for me, or you're such a terrible boyfriend, but you're not. If you saw you the way I do, then you'll see why I fell hopelessly in love with you. You may say that you can't be my knight in shining armor, or my prince charming because you're not perfect. But to me, you are. You're perfect for me. That's all that matters.

I'm not entirely sure what the future brings, and as much as I'd love to give into your sweet whisperings of being together forever. We'll never know if someday, of some month, of some year, we might break up. They say good things don't last forever. Maybe that's why we've had some bad things happen to balance it out and extend our time together. If that's the reason for all the bad things then I'm happy.

I guess to sum it all up;
Even if we break up... Thirty years from now, this heart will remember you more than anyone else.

Depending on when you read this;
Good morning, good evening, goodnight.

"Don't EVER wish without thinking."

So I'll tell you right now.

I'm sitting in a computer lab with my close friend during lunch time. I normally just go to the cafeteria and sit at a table with friends but... It's too uncomfortable there.

Me and the former ex-friend have been talking recently... In fact... I think TOO much. He stares at me all during lunchtime. Texts me excessively. Talks to me on msn till 2 am everyday. When me and my boyfriend get into mini-arguments, he strongly hints that I should break up with him. He also offers me rides to school and back (he doesn't offer anyone else rides).

At first I tried to shrug it off despite the strange vibe I've been getting, and think of it as just a "former ex-friend being in the 'clingy stage'". But now it's just... too much to handle. Too much to overlook.

My advice to my beloved readers;
-Do not wish for things without thinking it through.

01/11/10

I decided to post today because I really like the symmetry of today's date.
So, I talked to him today and everything's fine. We're catching up with each other and talking as if nothing ever happened. It's really fun talking to him and I've just remembered or even found out how much we have in common.

But I do hope that I'll be able to talk to him face to face and not through a chatbox like Facebook or MSN.

Well, we're getting there. =)


However, in other news, the stories I've been posting up have been halted from the lack of updating. *sigh* I have a habit of having a completely brilliant idea for stories that no one has come up with, and when I attempt to write it down, the idea just vanishes. Come to think of it, I'm actually a very bad explainer, and yet when I write a story the dialogue and plot are just amazing. The words flow and aren't awkward, it's easy to read even though it's descriptive, I guess it's cause I really love to write. It's just hard getting around writer's block.

"Ecstasy"

So, I've recently just started talking to my... ex-friend. Well, over facebook anyways. We haven't yet talked to each other face to face yet... I wonder what will happen?

Will we really be able to speak to each other normally after more than a year of avoiding each other?

Happy New Year! ♥

Well, it's the new year. Did you complete any New Year's Resolutions? Did you make new ones?

I completed one; Do not drink Tim Horton's Hot Chocolate.
If you're wondering why, it's a long story so classify it as a "tl;dr".

But anyways, to make this blog short and simple. I'll just tell you that I noticed how I doubled last year's number of posts this year's-- or what was this year. And maybe this year, I'll double the number of posts again.
So I guess that will be my new New Year's Resolution.

Personal Ads

[Wanted:]
Single F, under 33.
Must enjoy the sun,
must enjoy the sea.
Sought by Single M.
Mrs. Destiny, send photo to address.
Is it you and me?

[Reply to Single M:]
My name is Caroline.
Cellphone number here,
call if you have the time.
XXVIII and bored,
grieving over loss.
Sorry to be heavy,
but heavy is the cost.

[Reply to Caroline:]
Thanks so much for response.
These things can be scary,
not always what you want.
How about a drink?
The St. Jude Club at Noon?
I'll phone you first I guess...
I hope I see you soon.

I never got your name,
I assume you're XXXIII.
Your voice it sounded kind,
I hope that you like me.
When you see my face,
I hope that you don't laugh.
I'm not a film-star beauty.
I sent a photograph.
I hope that you don't laugh...

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[Note to Single M:]
Why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour,
and finally gave up.
I thought that once I saw you,
I thought that you saw me.
I guess we'll never meet now,
it wasn't meant to be.
It wasn't meant to be...

I was sure you saw me...
But it wasn't meant to be.

[Wanted:]
Single F, under 33.
Must enjoy the sun,
must enjoy the sea.
Sought by Single M.
Nothing too heavy.
Send photo to address.
Is it you? Or me?

Merry Christmas everyone!

It's Christmas day and it's partially blizzarding outside reminding every one of us that it is definitely a white Christmas. I'm awake this early for reasons unknown. This past week I've usually woken up around sometime in the afternoon but today, I'm up and about at around 9 am. It's amazing cause honestly, I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday from 12:01 am till around 1:41 am.

But anyways, I'm blogging not because of the presents I got, I'll blog about them later. I'm blogging about the dream I had. It's a dream I don't even know why I dreamt. As you read you might laugh, and don't worry, I want you too! Because I know that this dream is weird.

The dream started with me and Vincent walking to his house in the cold, there wasn't that much snow but I guess that's my ideal winter weather. Anyways, we got to his house and warmed up there, we just sat on his couch talking about the future and it was actually pretty calming.

The next bit however, is something I don't understand.

I'm standing in my school near the doors, but it doesn't really look like my school because the inside layout (walls and ceiling) is just like the swimming pool that's near Maples (Maples Swimming Pool?). And I have these small silver metal marbles in my pocket and apparently a sheet of paper, to which I hold the paper horizontally a few inches above the floor and scan around the room. I stop every now and then when a faint glow is on the paper and I place a marble on the floor where I see the paper glowing. I stop after at least 4 marbles are on the ground and I take a step back to where I was originally standing.
You know in those shooter video games like C.O.D. they give you a radar and where people show up there's those little glowing spots? Well apparently, that's what I just did and the marbles on the floor tell me exactly how far my friends are. And I guess I was partially psychic in my dream because I'd text my friend Jherome and I'd hear his response? Not get it back as a text. But I'd actually hear it in his voice in my head? Well basically he tells me that we're going to meet up and we do.

Next scene takes place in the backyard of Collicutt Elementary School. Me and Jherome are just sitting and talking when all of a sudden two people show up. One of them is a girl, with long hair styled like this;



(...except it was black.)

But anyways! The person she was with was Jon Gucci, and for some reason or another she gave him a weird look and said, "loser" and ran off. In which he started dancing in place singing "Sexy Back"... Oh yeah, and he was holding a hair straightener which was on. It caught me off guard, but it was actually funny too.

P.S. - The girl turned out to be Hazel.

........................

Next on the list...

What I got for Christmas was;
-PSP (1000 gen)
-Nokia Xpressmusic cellphone (other one broke)
-$100+ Hair straightener (VERY nice)
-New Winter Jacket
-Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks