I'm crumbling.

Have you ever felt that certain type of loneliness where you feel as if there's no one there for you? The loneliness of not being able to talk to any one person about your worries, your problems, of what has happened to you?

You feel like you're drowning and all this pressure and sadness piles on top of you and nothing or no one can lessen the load. And the worst part is when you're left alone, with all those thoughts swirling in your head; they tear at you from the inside out. You're in a constant state of depression and worry.

'Where do I go from here?'
'What's right? What's wrong?'
'What am I supposed to do?'

I've been rereading past conversations, remembering past experiences and memories, and it makes me relive past emotions. It makes me second guess everything I've ever known about myself. I always thought I was a good person, or if anything, at least a good enough person. I thought I had my priorities straight and my morals aligned, but the past few months led me to believe differently about myself, and I start wondering if I ever was a good person.

A good person wouldn't hurt others.
A good person wouldn't make others cry.
A good person wouldn't tear relationships apart.
A good person wouldn't drive others into a spiraling depression.


A good person would make everyone happy...

and I am not a good person.

In fact, I'm the worst kind of person you could imagine.

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell.


--Ophelia

Never thought it could be that its me till I realized I'm the only common factor and played a big part.

Is It Me? Am I so complicated?
Is It Me? Or is love over-rated?
Is It Me? Cause I don't quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it.
Is It Me? Am I too independent?
Is It Me? Not ready for commitment?
Is It Me? Cause it doesn't seem to last
And it's the only question that I never asked.

The thing about always supporting the ones close to you, is that the feeling of betrayal is so much more when they have (and take) the chance to turn around and destroy you without hesitation.

There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow.

Apparently, I have a habit of coming back to this blog when my emotional integrity has been compromised.

I've been listening to sad songs recently, because I find music brings words to the emotions I can't convey. It brings my mind at ease, thinking, "oh, these lyrics sound familiar, they feel familiar."

It's hard for me to converse how I feel; most of the times, I don't know how I feel at all. It's so confusing. A reason I came up with is probably because I'm empathizing with others too much instead of focusing on what I solely want.

But what do I want?-- I'm not even sure anymore.

However, it doesn't stop others from freely voicing their opinions, their wants and needs. I feel like an elastic band, being pulled in two different directions. Stretching and stretching, trying to accommodate for both parties, but they don't know, no wait, they do know, that I'm breaking. They just don't care that I am. They don't care that I'm exhausted; mentally, emotionally, so much that it's affecting me physically.

I remember feeling love. I remember being able to be in love.

But unfortunately, I'm too drained to feel anything when it comes to love now.

Sometimes I think,   

"I wish I was just alone."

--Ophelia 

Tonight Won't Make a Difference

Okay, okay, it's been forever since my last post, I know. But you know what? So many things have happened. I'll get to catching up later. Right now I just want to get this off my chest.

I'm sensitive. I know I am.

Little things you say or little things you do might not seem like a big deal. But I'm very observant so of course I'll pick up on it. I'll think about it over and over again until it drives me crazy. I'll come up with reasons as to why things were said, why things were done; and no matter how much I try to rationalize, it always comes down to me.

'It's your fault.'
'It's because of you.'
'You're a fool.'
'Don't think so highly of yourself.'
'You're nothing special.'
'You never were.'

These thoughts find themselves racing across my mind; over and over again. Just repeating; one after the other.

To the people I care about, I want them to be happy. I want to make them happy. When they think of me, I want them to remember good things about me. I want them to be able to talk about me with only good things.

I'm-

I'm starting to feel like I can't open up anymore.
If I keep up this barrier, this facade, will it be okay?

For now, I'll just rely on this blog to let me open up. It won't be found until later on anyways.