"Maybe if I were a better person, I'd be happier."

"But my mind was in a turmoil, and the nights became more oppressive than ever."

There's something that's been eating away at me for the past couple of weeks, and I just can't seem to get it out of my head no matter what I do. I'm hoping that putting all of my thoughts and feelings here will help ease my mind.
 
People are telling me that it shouldn't bother me about what you think of me, that it shouldn't bother me about the things you do, but it does bother me.

I'm bothered by the fact that you feel whatever you do is justified; that you feel so highly about yourself being right while you look down on others. You act condescending and have this air of superiority and self-righteousness, but the truth is, I hadn't told you about the way you've been making me feel.

And so, since we're not talking, and this blog is pretty anonymous, I'll say it on here.


I had a difficult time when dealing with you. Don't give me that look, listen to me. You're a good person, you're very passionate about things, but you're also very selfish. Looking back on our last conversation and back on the conversations we had a long time ago, I always listened to what you had to say. I went with things you wanted to do, because if I didn't, you always acted so hurt and made me feel guilty about my feelings.

So I'm saying this right now;

What you did always hurt me. You say this is the most you've been hurt, and honestly you saying that makes me resent you a little. You know my past, you know what I've been through. How can you honestly say what you're doing right now is justified? September through December has been very painful for me and you know why. I was being pulled apart piece by piece as you two said whatever you wanted to say, told me what to think, how to feel, what to do, what you expected of me. My life was falling all around me and neither of you tried to help me. I was in so much pain and despair but I never once thought about telling hordes of people nor did I even attempt to do that.

I kept it all to myself. I handled it myself. Did I need someone to talk to? Maybe. But why should I tell people when it's my own goddamn business? It's called a private life for a reason.

Okay, I just want to clarify; I'm fine with you wanting to talk about your problems to friends. However, I'm not fine at all that you felt like you had to talk to people at our workplace. It isn't fair to me at all and you need to realize that. Private life and work life should never mingle, outside of holiday staff parties anyways. I work more than you do, so I see the people you've told more than you do, and you telling people at work makes them see me differently. I should be seen as the compliant and hard worker that I am, not the person in the stories that you're telling.

It's selfish of you to think it's okay in sharing these stories with people I work with and look up to.

You also need to realize that I had valid reasons why I didn't want to be in a relationship. You don't seem to understand that I was in a three year relationship beforehand. I was set in being engaged, and shortly within a year I would've been living with my significant other much less married to him, and because of the turn of events I lost it all.

Of course I'd feel lost in where I am in life, of course I'd be confused about everything that's happened and of course I would need time. Those reasons should be enough for anybody to realize that I wasn't ready. But you're too focused on what you want to realize how I feel.

There's a lot more to say but I'm not even sure where to begin with that.


--Ophelia

I'm crumbling.

Have you ever felt that certain type of loneliness where you feel as if there's no one there for you? The loneliness of not being able to talk to any one person about your worries, your problems, of what has happened to you?

You feel like you're drowning and all this pressure and sadness piles on top of you and nothing or no one can lessen the load. And the worst part is when you're left alone, with all those thoughts swirling in your head; they tear at you from the inside out. You're in a constant state of depression and worry.

'Where do I go from here?'
'What's right? What's wrong?'
'What am I supposed to do?'

I've been rereading past conversations, remembering past experiences and memories, and it makes me relive past emotions. It makes me second guess everything I've ever known about myself. I always thought I was a good person, or if anything, at least a good enough person. I thought I had my priorities straight and my morals aligned, but the past few months led me to believe differently about myself, and I start wondering if I ever was a good person.

A good person wouldn't hurt others.
A good person wouldn't make others cry.
A good person wouldn't tear relationships apart.
A good person wouldn't drive others into a spiraling depression.


A good person would make everyone happy...

and I am not a good person.

In fact, I'm the worst kind of person you could imagine.

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell.


--Ophelia

Never thought it could be that its me till I realized I'm the only common factor and played a big part.

Is It Me? Am I so complicated?
Is It Me? Or is love over-rated?
Is It Me? Cause I don't quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it.
Is It Me? Am I too independent?
Is It Me? Not ready for commitment?
Is It Me? Cause it doesn't seem to last
And it's the only question that I never asked.

The thing about always supporting the ones close to you, is that the feeling of betrayal is so much more when they have (and take) the chance to turn around and destroy you without hesitation.